Of Bloody Fools And Kindred Hearts
by jay357
Summary: Follows my fourth playthrough and tells the story from Hawke's point of view. Somewhere between utterly silly and strangely refreshing. Take your pick. Rated M for language . . . . . . . Okay, several people agree on this: Hawke is a bitch. If that bothers you, don't read. ******* cover courtesy of Berserker79 on DeviantartDOTcom
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Not mine. All the wonderful characters belong to Bioware. Sadly enough.**  
**Archiving: Only with the permission of the author.**  
**Author's Note: Lots and lots of swearing...  
* Plus, it cannot be taken seriously. I warned you. Silliness ensues...**  
*** I'm replaying the game, so I will update when I find the time to actually PLAY.**  
*** Short, short chapters, just so you know.**  
*** Constructive criticism and other reviews are always welcome :)**

* * *

"The Order dictates!"

Stepping in front of Bethany I make it clear there is no point in pushing the issue. If he so much as breathes on her, he'll have one sword hand less. My blades would cut through Templar bones as they would through a delicate flower. My eyes dare him to say anything more, as I yearn for the opportunity to put my blades to good use. Templars. They are all the same.

Carver of course hasn't moved a muscle. Stupid jerk. I have to reassure him at every corner, endure his cowardice and whining ... and now he's too much of a craven to even protect his twin. Might be the Darkspawn are the least of my problems.

This Aveline might prove of use, though. I'm not sure whether to trust her or not, but for now, she has my respect.

Provoking the Templar while talking to the strange pair turns out to be a lot of fun. I can't help but make some snide remarks, knowing Bethany appreciates them as much as I do. When I look at her, I can see a tiny smile creeping onto her face. Marvelous sight.

"If the options are south or die ... I'll take my chances with south."

Of course, Carver doesn't like that. I can feel his glare on my back, and I just know he's pissed off now. Good for him, it might even give him an edge in battle. So far, he's only proven one thing: that a huge blade means nothing in the hands of an imbecile.

I chuckle. It almost gives me pleasure to see him frown.

* * *

As we press on, Bethany, the dog and I make quick work of the darkspawn. Aveline helps a little, to be honest.

Sure enough, as I attack some Hurlock Bolters that are perched on a ledge, stupid fucking Carver decides to leave Bethany's side, rushing after me. Fucking jackass. I don't even have the time to yell at him, when I see several darkspawn appear out of nowhere to attack my sister. She uses a Mind Blast, the clever girl, but that will only help her so much; there's no one around to catch the Hurlocks' attention.

I leave the last of my Bolter's to Carver, it's his problem now. Jumping off the ledge, I rush past Aveline, who's busy fighting off three Hurlocks that seem to have fallen out of the sky.

"Sister!" Bethany is running towards me, Hurlocks on her feet. I dodge her and use a Miasmic Flask to slow the creatures behind her down, let's see how they like that!

Lucky shot. I've stunned them all. Slitting their throats one after the other, I'm glad to see a Fireball flying past me, exploding when it hits one of the beasts. I evade the blast it causes and walk back to my favourite mage, bumping shoulders as I reach her.

Her golden eyes sparkle with gratitude and mischief as she smiles at me lovingly.

"You could have left some for me!"

"Oh, excuse meeeeeeee, Miss, I thought you had your hands full already."

"With what? Fire? I sure did."

"You mock me."

"I do? I'm sorry I didn't hear you there..." Walking off, Bethany winks at me, before she checks on our dog. But Athena seems well, she's already ripping darkspawn corpses apart. Wait a minute ... when did I last feed her?

* * *

"You stupid stinking bastard, the fucking Fade take you! Who in the name of Andraste's tits told you to run after me?!" Pushing the surprised craven who calls himself my brother, I strain to keep my temper in check.

"Language!"

"Yes mother." Oh how annoying she can be at times such as this. All I want is for my brother to die a painful and slow death right now. For leaving the side of a bloody mage!

"So?!" I'm furious. Never mind that Bethany is fine, he's not supposed to run after me like a damned dog on a leash!

"What? So you can rush off and I cannot?" Kill. Him. Now.

I shove him again, harder this time. Ignoring mother's protests and muttered "Manners!".

"Yes, you brainless nug! You said you'd protect her!" Shove.

"I'm fine, really." Bethany. Of course, she doesn't like me jumping down his throat. At least not when mother's around.

"No one's talking to you!" Oh, hat might've been a bit harsh. Will have to make up for it later. No matter. First things first.

"You blighted fool, do you really have no idea that she was in danger?! You can't just leave a fucking mage unprotected! She's fragile!"

"I am not!"

"By Andraste's fires, would you shut up, woman?!"

"Oh, to the Void with you two!" And she storms off. Wonderful. I can't even give my brother a mental spanking without her going off the deep end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Sorry for all the swearing. I guess I'll change the rating to M...**

* * *

We fight our way through seemingly endless groups of darkspawn, and I can make out Bethany's anger by the way she handles the creatues. Fireballs explore everywhere and I get the feeling she wants to roast us alive. At one point she even singes my eyebrows, burning the Emissary Apprentice I am about to finish off.

"That was my kill!"

"Should've killed it, then!"

"By the Maker, children, behave!" Oh, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease shut up, mother. She and this Wesley guy just stand by while we bloody ourselves with darkspawn guts. Ech. Disgusting filthy creatures that they are. Not sure whether I mean Wesley and mother or the darkspawn...

* * *

And then there's this brilliantly huge Ogre I can take my aggression out on. Niiiiiiiiiiice.

But before I can actually do anything, Carver storms forward in what I think is supposed to be a heroic move. Maybe he wants to impress Aveline? Not sure. But I'd certainly hit _that_.

"You soulless bastards!"

His pitiful little outburst is met with a gigantic hand that picks him up and starts smashing his skull onto the ground without much of an effort. I can hear bones crack and splinter. I don't think Carver feels too good right about now. That'll teach him to leave his sister behind!

Might be I was a little harsh just now. The bloody oaf isn't moving and mother is hurrying to his side. In the midst of battle, no less. I must have gotten my survival instinct from father, surely I didn't get it from her side of the family tree. ... Considering father is dead I might have to re-think that idea later. Now I've got an Ogre to kill.

Aveline is proving to be really useful now. She takes the brunt of the damage, while I can conveniently backstab the ugly son of a bitch. Athena's in the midst of it all, biting and scratching and snarling like a madwoman. Dog. I mean dog.

When I see Bethany surrounded by at least four darkspawn, I'm torn between killing the huge maniac first or rushing to my sister for help. She's holding up pretty good, I can see that she is perfectly fine, but I'm still quite worried. When another darkspawn runs toward her, I throw a Miasmic Flask at the lot of them, hoping that it will buy my sister some time. She immediately uses the opportunity to put a little distance between herself and the attackers, using a Fireball to take several of them out at once. Good girl.

* * *

"Carver ... wake up!"

Oh woman, get up. You know he's dead! Ech. I must have been a foundling.

"If you fall apart now, you'll endanger us all!" I'm being harsh, I know. But I don't want to stand around and mourn Carver. Carver, of all people! My mother's baby boy! Never mind that Bethany is the same age, never mind that she's a mage who could be locked away forever, never mind that he regularly left her out in the open to be attacked, never mind... Oh, never mind!

"Don't lecture me! This is _your_ fault!" Darkspawn everywhere and she gets to cry and be utterly unreasonable. _Women_!

"How could you let him charge off like that?" Yeah, right, how could I? It was _my_ Ogre, after all. By Andraste's wet cunt, he even drives me mad _after_ he's dead!

"Mother, we can't stay here!" Thank you, Bethany. At least one part of my family seems to have a grasp on reality.

And now that stupid loser of a Templar is actually stepping in to offer his condolences. I _really_ want to kill something right now. Wesley would suffice.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Please remember this is utter nonsense, I wrote it solely for my amusement. It's a rather dark humor, I will make fun of tragedy, death, torture... so if that's not your thing, better bugger off :D**

* * *

I tell mother to leave Carver where he is. I surely won't carry him anyplace or dig a hole, for that matter, if she wants to try and lift the fool, she's welcome to try.

My thoughts are interrupted by Aveline:

"Flames! We're too late!" Darkspawn. More and more darkspawn. And mother wants us to dig a grave? It's almost funny.

The three of us fight like one, which is a nice change of pace. Aveline's not rushing off to some distant enemies, and my Backstab makes quick work of the annoying little vermins who dare come too close to my sister. It's quite fun to see their blood gushing about, staining the three of us. And Athena, who's busy gnawing on feet and calves. I'm quite sure she's enjoying herself as well. She's a right little beast, she is.

"There's no end to them!" I'd like to tell her not to wet her knickers, but I'm interrupted by a gigantic dragon roaring over our heads. Magnificent, really. If I weren't actually afraid it might kill us, I'd marvel at the sight.

When it turns into a woman, my jaw drops. Forget Aveline. I'd definitely tap that. Sexy creature that she is. With a voice to die for and horns. Horns! Horns of hair...? Kinky. I might just come right here and now.

If Bethany weren't glaring at me like I just stole her staff. Sigh.

* * *

"...Maybe I am a dragon..." More kinky stuff. I like it. While I'm busy looking at the assets of the woman, Bethany proves to have a cooler mind:

"Wait! You can't just leave us here!" Oh, but she can! I mean... I don't know what I mean, but the gorgeousness that is the dragon woman cannot be described. I want her. Badly. Ripping off her dress and armor would prove difficult, but fun!

And her eyes have the most amazing color. Andraste's bloody lips, I should be running in the opposite direction, away from that beast! Instead, I'm watching her, craving her, thinking about taking her right here and now and... Maker, when was the last time I had sex? I must be starving!

I tell the odd woman that I wish to be a dragon, too. Here I am, a Hawke, my mother crying, my sister angry and my brother dead. Come to think of it, I should probably mourn for him in good time.

"Your king will not miss you, hmm?" I doubt it. The fairytale-loving clodpole got himself killed in his first real fight. Men. They're such fools, running off into danger, not knowing what they're about to face. And then they get themselves killed.

Just look at their past achievements. Cailan: got himself killed. Carver: got himself killed. Wesley: ... about to get himself killed. He looks really awful, now that I look at him.

"I'm sure he'll miss his life more."

That makes her laugh. It is a hearty one, loud and honest. I decide I like the old hag. So does Bethany, it seems. She smiles when she realises the woman is a mage. An apostate.

"If you knew my daughter..." She has a daughter. I can just imagine, the two of them, naked...

"Ouch! What was that for?" Bethany just pinched my arm. Cunning little vixen, she notices every time.

"I know what you're thinking! Try not to be so obvious about it!" I smirk at her appreciatively, rubbing the sore spot that is forming on my arm.

* * *

The Witch of the Wilds directs our attention to Wesley, who looks even worse than only moments before. Disgusting, I think he's even starting to reek. He's veiny and pale, but I can't help but make stupid jokes.

"This corruption is the permanent sort I take it." Awkward silence. No one appreciates my humor. Oh, well, suit yourself.

I let Aveline kill her husband, I've no intention of touching the dirty bastard. Let her do the dirty work. Dead, dead, dead Templar, I wish I knew how to dance. That's what you get for being a closed-minded believer! I feel a little sorry for Aveline, though.

And then we're off to Kirkwall, with the old witch helping us part of the way.

**TO BE CONTINUED.**


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: I'm not sure to what kind of place I go mentally when I write this, but... I'm sure it is a STRANGE place.

* * *

They don't let people in. Bugger that. Of course my family has to state the obvious again. The possibility of me being a foundling becomes more likely by the minute. I watch Bethany, Mother and Aveline arguing over where to go and what to do, and I resist the sudden desire to slit the guard's throat who refuses to let us in. I pull my daggers from my back, when he decides that we might at least talk to his superior, Captain Ewald. Smart lad.

The Gallows is the most ugly thing I've ever seen. Filthy and smelly and... eww. And the people in here reek, too. Disgusting. At least they don't talk much, wouldn't want their breath bothering my nose, too. One gal looks nice, though. I'd definitely take her to my... ship, I guess. I don't even have a bed at the moment.

When I try to leave through the front gate, there's guards who want to keep me back. Needless to say, with Aveline nagging and complaining and my sister refusing to cast spells, I'm on my own for now. No chance in hell I'm gonna kill five guards who are heavily armored. Stupid Kirkwall. I hate it already.

We encounter a woman arguing with a merchant, seems she's on the losing side. I stand in the back, chuckling. Aveline and Bethany glare at me, frowning. Obviously they don't get the joke. I've never met an honest merchant in as long as I can remember. Why be surprised that he cheats his customers? He should get a reward for doing it nicely, the woman's still alive, isn't she? I leave him to his business, walking around the carts and boxes he's got piled up. In the back, I open one of them when he isn't looking. Pff. Heavy armor. Might fit Aveline, though.  
"I'm not going to wear stolen goods, don't even ask!" Fine then, suit yourself, Templar broad.

I find the Gallows rather boring. I can't steal from people -not that they have much-, I can't fight the guards, since I'll be all alone, and looting isn't as much fun as I figured it would be. Why steal something if no one wants to wear it? My frustration grows, and I start playing with my daggers, while talking to the annoyingly smart-ish Captain Ewald. I need a fight. Or a roll in the hay. Or both. Both, yes, that would be preferable.

* * * * * * *

Haha, the stupid deserters actually dare to attack us. We make short work of them, and Bethany actually manages to cast a spell or two. She must have a death-wish. She knows there's mage hunters everywhere! Oh well, I at least enjoy myself while jumping from one opponent to the next, lunging at them with all my weight, pummeling them to the ground. Nothing makes you feel more alive.

The flaming bastard of a Captain still won't let us in, even though we've jsut saved his lazy ass. He wasn't much help in this fight, and I'm sure it would be too easy to send him flying down the stairs, but the girls send me that look again, and I'm not too eager to send their wrath my way. So I shut up and let him go. He'll be back, he says. With Gamlen. Sure he will, when the Void starts sending inhabitants back. Blasted bastard.

* * * * * * *

Of course we wait for naught. The Captain doesn't come back, and we are so bored we actually start playing strip poker. Aveline's no good at it, which gives me all the more pleasure.  
"Stop looking so smug."  
"I can't believe I let you talk me into this! What pleasure do you get from looking at your sister?!" Oh, I get pleasure alright. But not the kind I have in mind. Maybe it's time to let the girls off the hook. Aveline in her underwear makes me slightly uncomfortable. But only because mother is around and stares at at unbelievingly.

When Gamlen's not back after two days, I decide that strip poked isn't enough, and I go to check out the redhaired girl I saw when we arrived. Maybe she'd like some company. I'm in luck. The girl's an easy one. Promise to get her into town, promise her love and devotion, and she's all yours. And I didn't even have to pay. Ha. I never pay.

After all of two hours of almost busting our heads in her small cart, I go back to mother and the others, smiling widely. Of course, Aveline notices the difference in my strut and glares at me so. Flaming swords, she best keep her mouth shut in front of mother!  
"It was a nice visit, I take it?"  
"Wonderful. We picked flowers, painted the walls, and afterwards she asked me to move in with her."  
"What are you two talking about? Who painted walls?"  
"No one, Bethany. I'm just being silly."  
"As usual."  
"I..." Sisters. Sometimes you want to hit them. Or take them. Or both.

**TO BE CONTINUED.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: It's still silly and full of swear words. Read at your discretion ;)**

* * *

Gamlen finally arrives and of course, he's no help at all. He's a fucking filthy weasel who managed to lose an entire estate because of his gambling. Bloody asshole, that he is. One day, I'll spill his guts in the streets of his beloved town. Yes, I will.

The blighted fucker basically sells us into slavery for a year, to people I have yet to meet. They weren't in the Gallows before, I explored them. Maybe it's a setup and that stupid bastard gets coin for our heads. No matter, though. I will kill everyone who stands in my way.

Of the two options I have, I choose the elven woman. At least she looks good. Though maybe that doesn't matter. Oh, wait. It does.

But when she tells me that I'm not only working for the money she will give me, but also to cover Gamlen's debt, I can't help the growl that escapes my throat. That bastard will have to answer me. Soon. I decide to check out Athenril's competition, the ugly Meeran. He's a slimey one, I don't like him at all. But it gives me the opportunity to walk past Gamlen and punch him in the face. Which I do. And I can hear a nice crack, too.  
"What are you doing, sister?!"  
"What is wrong with you?!"  
"Gamlen, brother, are you alright?"  
They all speak at the same time. A pity no one wonders how my fist fares. Just so you know, it's fine. His bones seem to be made of rubber.

When I walk off, I realise the guy Athenril has problems with is the disgusting merchant. Ha. I knew I'd see him again. I talk to him, but before I can do much, Aveline walks past me and threatens the guy. Scares the shit out of him, more like. Nice one. Even if I had preferred a straight fight. Now I really want to bed her.

* * *

With the money we have, we pay Athenril, who's way too eager to get us into the city. I send the girls back to Gamlen, to give him the good news. Then I follow Athenril to whatever place she has vanished. I find her in one of the many crooked alleys, and I'm quite sure she was waiting for me. We get it on, and I'm surprised at her strength. Lithe little elf, that she is, I didn't know she could be such a force of nature. Nice.

When I go back to the others, they all fuss about Gamlen's broken nose, and I can't stand the sight.  
"Let me see, uncle. Did I break it?" When he lifts the cloth off his bloody nose, I send my fist flying. A pleasant crack can be heard.  
"Hawke!"  
"Sister!"  
"Gamlen, what did you do this time?" Hehehe. He's a jerk, he deserves no less.

We finally enter the city, and I can't help but be surprised by the filthy thing Gamlen calls his home. It's disgusting. I decide that my hard-earned money is best spent in the Blooming Rose. At least the beds are clean.

* * *

We actually have a good year in Kirkwall, I haven't seen Aveline in a bit, but at least I managed to make a name for myself in the streets. ... But I think that's mainly because of my skills in the featherbed. Though I'm not bad with my blades, either. I learned some nice things in the last year.

Athenril provides us with most of our tasks, but that's not nearly enough to make a living off. So Bethany and I usually find additional work elsewhere. Just after we talk to a certain Bartrand, though, a stupid boy decides to steal my purse. The one filled with stones. I yell after him for good measure, and then I laugh heartily. Stupid kid.

He's caught by a tiny dwarf, who makes a nice show of it, too. Varric, he calls himself. Smooth lad, and I don't know if I want to trust him yet. But he seems alright, and I decide to let him tag along for my usual business. I visit some of my connections, introducing Varric to Worthy and the sort. They seem to hit it off right away, talking about Ancestors and Paragons and whatnot. Confusing dwarven babble. I let them talk while I check out the shops in Hightown. Nothing new, the usual old soppy weasels trying to rip you off by selling inferior armor. And the pieces I would actually like cost a fortune... Well... Measure by my standards, at least. 18 silvers and 78 coppers. Oh Maker, I'm buggered.

**TO BE CONTINUED.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: Just noticed I haven't updated in a while. Luckily, I still have some stuff left ;)**

* * *

"The Hero of Ferelden, she's a fiiiiine woman..." She is?! Now I want to meet her. After hearing about all her accomplishments, I'm fairly sure she's a good lay. Bodahn makes her sound so exciting, I'm sure he does it for the fun of it. Maybe I've got drool on my chin or... something that tips me off. Wiping my chin, just in case, I decide it's time for a little fun. I've had enough of the dwarven babbling. I make off towards the Blooming Rose. I need a drink.

As we arrive, I can't help but pity Bethany. She usually stays out front, just in case Gamlen is in there. The old fool. Inside, I find a Templar I can rip off. The bloody oafs are so easy to trick. Threaten to report them, and they will pay you almost anything. In this case, a nice night with Porfiria, the sexy elven beast. I love what she does to me. Ooooh-hooo.

When I come back from my little death, Varric sits at the bar, smiling strangely. Then I notice the dwarf in the corner, playing strip poker with a few other patrons. Looks like Bartrand... The next time I see him I'll ask him what the heart-shaped tattoo on his ass means.

* * *

I still need money. It might be time to visit the Chanter's board and Aveline again. Haven't done that in quite some time.

At the board, we run into a goodlooking lad who's obviously mad about something. For him, I'd definitely re-think the whole chick-thing I got going. But the archer disappears faster than I can say _Andraste's tits_, so I guess I'll have to take a peek at him when I go to the Chantry. Which might be... never. Scratch that. I need the money. Badly.

So I decide to visit Aveline, maybe she's got a job for me. Helped me out once or twice over the course of the last year, why not try it again. It's always nice to talk to her. Flirt with her. See her flush. Hehe. I love making the big woman flush. She's cute when she's flustered.  
Obviously she's not surprised to see me. Maker's breath, she's as gorgeous as always. But seeing as she still misses Wesley, I don't think it's the right time to ask her to bed. Although it might take her mind off things... Dirty thoughts, Hawke, stop it! Oooh, but I can't think about anything other than ripping off her armor. Huh.

* * *

I don't know how I know, but when the four of us enter Lowtown, I see an elf, and I just know the Bottled Scar I carry is his. Intuition! A wonderful ability!

Lirene's Ferelden Imports catches my eye, haven't seen that establishment before. Or if I have, I can't remember. What with all the women roaming Kirkwall's streets, who could keep up with all the different stores and establishments? Inside, I check out the lot of them, arguing and yelling, and in the chaos of it all I manage to steal a shield in the back room. I don't have any use for it, but now that I need the money so badly, I take it with me anyway. I know lots of merchants I can sell it to. They don't mind stolen goods.

When Lirene talks to me, I offer my help, but obviously the money I have isn't enough for her. So I leave. I actually want to take a little money out of the donation box, but Aveline is staring at me intently, and I don't think she'd let me do that. Oh, well. If they don't like me, I know someone who does. Elegant. Now there's a woman for you. She insists on being called Lady Elegant, but she'll never get that from me. Not as long as I shag her in the dark corners of Lowtown every once in a while. Not as long as I can make her mewl and sigh and moan for me. Not as long as she begs for my fingers to enter her. Ha. _Lady_.

**TO BE CONTINUED.**


End file.
